My life has been doomed from a time earlier than I can remember. I know this is a self-fulfilling prophecy, but what can I do to stop it? I was born to fail in this world. I got back on HRT (DIY) on Friday, November 8. I had to go DIY because of the current political climate and fears over future access, and because Planned Parenthood has been excrutiatingly slow and frustrating this whole process. I would not recommend them as far as informed consent HRT goes. I bought a synth I can't afford, with intentions of covering the cost later by reselling some other synths, but the seller still hasn't sent the synth. We're trying to save for a large trailer to live in. It'll be cramped. My life has been put on hold. I have a name and I feel like I'm making progress, but I don't know if it'll survive the next few years. I don't know anything and I wish I knew everything. I feel broken, unable to love, unable to feel; I am a leech, a vampire, a parasite that feeds off of people's happiness. I am a narcissist! Truly taking after my mother. I hope I can find a therapist soon.
We rescued a cat! He's very fat but he's so sweet. He wants nothing more than love and attention. We named him Craig. We went to Globe, my boyfriend's hometown for a few days. It was an ok trip, except he had a bad allergic reaction to something down there. On our way back up, we passed through Phoenix, going to the aquarium in Scottsdale. It was kind of disappointing, but it was a fun time overall. I also picked up an Elektron Analog Four MkI! It works great, and I love the sound of it. I still haven't gotten my estradiol perscription filled, I've almost missed a whole week of HRT. It is frustrating, but at least I can learn from this and plan better next time. Also I haven't made much progress by now so I'm not really losing any ground. My chest has been hurting a bit lately, and I think I see it changing shape a little. I'm excited for whatever else is in store for me. I guess I'll be quitting my job in a few weeks, I'll probably put my two week's notice in very soon. I don't want to go to work today, but it won't be too bad hopefully. It is Labor Day weekend, but Friday is usually the busiest day. Yesterday was pretty busy, so hopefully today isn't too crazy.
My boyfriend has decided to go back to his old job doing drill and blast, which pays very well but has long long hours and is hard arduous work. I remember how tired he used to be after work. I guess it's our ticket to better things though. We want to eventually buy land and build a house. He wants to start a business making kimchi, and a farm to support the business. He'll need me to support him immensely while he's working. I'll need to cook and clean and basically do housewife shit. I don't know how I feel about that, I don't want to be dead weight being nobody while he brings home all the money. I hope I can go to community college to at least progress a bit in that regard while he's there. I'll work a job part time too, so I can at least have some money of my own. I think I might miss a dose of HRT, CVS has been really slow with refilling my prescription and I'm about to go out of town for a little while. I guess it won't be the end of the world, just a little frustrating. I think I do have an idea for a name for myself that I'd really like, but I'm not entirely sure yet.
Maybe it's the effects of the estrogen, but last night I almost cried thinking about my future and my past and where I'm going in life. I was sitting in the parking lot of a catholic parish/boarding school with my boyfriend, and we were talking about how everything seems like it's all gone to shit lately. I was thinking about how just a few years ago (it had already been that long?) my friends and I were sitting at a lunch table sharing the same dreams of going to college. Why of all of them had it been me to fail? I guess that's awfully self centered and self pitying but I couldn't help but feeling like I had been dealt a bad hand lately. They don't even talk to me anymore. I doubt they even remember I exist most of the time. I guess I'd better leave their discord server and stop worrying about them. They're not my friends anymore, and there's no point in hoping they remember I'm there someday. Things will get better. I know it has to. I'll make more friends. I'll go to college eventually. Everything will work out.
Hello! This is the beginning of my blog/website, and I wanted to explain some things. I don't have a name chosen for myself yet but hopefully I can figure that out soon. I'm 19, trans MtF and I started hrt about 2 and a half weeks ago (July 31 2024!). I'm not currently going to go to college for mostly financial reasons but I hope to be able to do that soon. I have interests in making games (mostly RPG Maker/Yume Nikki stuff), making music (electronic for the most part), website creation, coding and literature. I hope to be using this as a sort of diary and as my very own personal space to express myself exactly how I want!